Face Blind
by BellaFlan
Summary: Salvation comes in many forms. Bella tries to piece together the rubble of her life - a difficult task for a woman who can't recognize her own reflection. AH/AU. Angst with a shot of dark comedy. Self indulgent.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N - this is self indulgent drivel. It will update often (daily), and it will mostly be unbeta'd. It's angsty, but because I'm writing it, you can expect comedy as well. Join me, won't you?**

Armed with courage and Cuervo, I smiled at the doorman, tightening my jacket around my admittedly whorish dress.

"I need to see Edward Cullen." It was a simple request, albeit one that was met with incredulous eyes. If his mouth moved at all, I couldn't be certain. "I think he still lives here."

After a period of interminable silence, I noticed the shudder of his mouth. "Is he expecting you, ma'am?"

_Not even a little bit._ I shook my head. "But could you let him know it's Bella, and it's an emergency?"

I checked my make-up in the lobby mirror while the doorman called up to Edward. My mascara bled down my face, and I couldn't remember if I'd been crying or if the skies had opened up.

Maybe it was both. Pathetic fallacy always lent me an undeserved feeling of relevance.

"Fourteenth floor," the doorman said, pressing the recall button by the elevator.

I stepped in, closing myself off in the tiny space, breathing. What the fuck was I doing? My mind raced as the elevator crept, each button illuminating slowly and then all at once. I thought about Christmas lights and broken ornaments and my marriage.

I really didn't want to think about my marriage.

The door flew open and I ran, not remembering which direction I was headed. Air filled my lungs, the rise and fall of my chest as I breathed became my focus. Inhale: panic. Exhale: sorrow.

_Want._

A single, selfish word. It echoed through my skull, pumped blood through my veins, and propelled me forward. My mind polarized, lending order to my chaotic misery.

Want want want want want...

Jacob said I was selfish when I left. He was right; I didn't care.

I'd never allowed myself the chance to be selfish before. But I couldn't live like this anymore - in the shadow of all this pain. The dark, even when my eyes were open, all I could see was dark.

I wasn't foolish enough to believe Edward Cullen would be my salvation, but I had to do _something_.

This was my compromise between living and dying. I wouldn't swallow that bottle of pills I'd kept in the inside pocket of my coat like a cyanide injection - an easy way out when the pain became too much.

I wouldn't.

"Bella?"

Green eyes. Strong jaw. Shadows and light over pale skin. I scrambled to put together the puzzle of his face, to see him as a whole.

I failed.

"Edward." My voice sounded manic even to myself. I concentrating on his left eye while I spoke the only truth I could manage. "I've flown across the country to fuck you."


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: I suffer from Face Blindness in real life. So does my son.**

**Face Blindness definition as per faceblindness (dot) org :**

**Prosopagnosia, also called face blindness, is an impairment in the recognition of faces. It is often accompanied by other types of recognition impairments (place recognition, car recognition, facial expression of emotion, etc.) though sometimes it appears to be restricted to facial identity. Not surprisingly, prosopagnosia can create serious social problems. Prosopagnosics often have difficulty recognizing family members, close friends, and even themselves.**

Edward made a surprised sound and stumbled away from me like I punched him in the gut.

"Did you... what did you just say?"

"I'm pretty sure I spoke plainly." I stepped forward, backing him against the wall.

"Let's go inside, shall we?" He took my arm, urging me toward him; it felt like dancing. My eyes closed and I swayed, the heat of his hand searing me like a brand.

He might as well have branded me.

"I'm really sorry about barging in like this," I explained, my eyes fluttering open, and I stepped along with him, savouring this peculiar dance of ours as he led me through the dim hallway to his apartment. "I realize it's late."

He gave a dry chuckle. "It's been seven years, Bella. That's beyond late."

I followed, followed, followed, because honestly, I'd been pining, yearning to follow him since the moment I'd left.

If I'd known...

"Seven years?" I smiled. "It feels like longer."

He fumbled in his pocket and dug out his keys, twisting the lock and my gut churned in kind. "Seven years."

"Huh. I guess I got itchy."

"How _is_ your husband?"

"Positively jilted." My ring felt heavy on my finger. I hadn't taken it off.

"Where does he think you are?"

"In Vancouver." I grabbed a handful of his shirt, lifting the hem up over his stomach. "I told him I was going to Vancouver to see you."

"How did he take that?" He extricated himself from my grip, stepping away, dancing, still dancing.

"You don't _honestly_ want to talk about Jacob, do you?"

He scowled. "You didn't honestly come all the way here just to _fuck _me, did you?"

I opened my mouth to speak, but language evaded me. Instead, I fell forward, secretly hoping he wouldn't catch me - that I'd have the satisfaction of falling and hurting myself. Jacob always said I'd made self pity an art.

He caught me, and I nestled into the foreign landscape of his chest.

"How did you know how to find me?" he asked.

"Alice," I said.

"Of course." His arms tightened around me. "You didn't answer my question."

"Yes," I managed. "I honestly flew all this way to fuck you. I've no plans beyond that, and I know I owe you an explanation, but I'd rather we have sex before I offer it." I brought his hands to my hips.

"You feel the same."

"I feel nothing."


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N - I managed another update. Neat. There are probably a ton of mistakes. Sorry! Thanks for reading :)**

I ran my hand along his rough jaw, arching my back and straining to press my mouth to his. Just a little kiss, oh fuck, I could remember the taste of his mouth. I'd thought I'd forgotten, all these years lost in the murk of grey misery, but now that I smelled him my senses were assaulted.

"Wait." He pushed me away. "What do you mean...you feel nothing?"

"It's just...look, I know I'm not making sense right now. You should probably know I'm drunk and a little depressive." I swayed a bit as if to emphasize my point. "I suppose I should be mortified. It's interesting, though, what desperation can do to one's self respect. That is to say I have none. I'm sad and empty, and the last time I remember feeling anything was when I thought we were gonna be together forever."

Edward's breath caught in his throat. I stared at his nose, watching his nostrils flare as he breathed. "Jesus fuck."

"I know."

"I mean, shit, Bella... this is a lot for me to process in the middle of the night." He took my hand and led me toward a sofa I hadn't even noticed. Beyond independent features of his face, I couldn't decipher much. I'd always felt so lost without context to properly ground me, and this entire situation was surreal. "It's been seven years... do you have any idea what's happened?"

"I'm sorry to hear about your wife leaving you," I said politely. "You must be devastated. I mean... I don't know what I mean. I guess I'm trying to find out if it was worth it, in the end. Was _she_ worth it?"

He laughed, but it had a bitter edge to it. "You're honestly asking me that?"

"I honestly am. I want to know. Because Tanya was _your_ decision to make."

"Fuck you!" he yelled, pinning me onto my back. "No, really, fuck you, Isabella Black. Fuck you."

"That's the thing, Edward." I reached for his crotch; he didn't stop me. "I loved you, I mourned you, and I pretty much dedicated my entire existence to hating you...but I never actually fucked you. Not once. That's why I'm here."

His mouth crashed against mine, all tongue and teeth and violence. I whimpered before I could stop myself, my entire body seeming to vibrate at his answering groan. My stomach dropped - it was that moment at the top of a roller coaster when you throw your hands up and lose yourself in the pure exhilaration of speed and adrenaline, of not caring as the world falls away and your body is ionized into billions of particles.

Freeing. It was so freeing to kiss him, to take what I wanted. Finally, finally to have him under my tongue. To feel the curve of his back under my hands, to run my fingertips over his sacrum, hooking them just under the waist of his pants. Skin, hot against mine. Muscles shuddering. His _hard _against my soft. I pushed up into him, trying to meld myself to his body. I wanted to feel him wrapped around me in every way possible.

"Fuck me," I begged.

"Fuck you," he replied, still kissing. Ragged breaths and groans and whimpers and fuck me over and over again.

_Just fuck me, Edward. Just fuck me._


	4. Chapter 4

"No, Bella, fuck you." He rose to his knees, anger flashing so brilliant the green of his eyes turned golden in the dim. My mind did play tricks on me, though, particularly when I'd taken to the drink.

My body sagged against the sofa, too soft and insubstantial, like I could dissolve into the floor.

"I suppose I should leave." I looked up at him, my voice resigned.

"Don't you dare... not again. Not until you've explained yourself." He stood, his face disappearing from my vantage point. I'd spent so long trying to remember what he looked like, and already the image shattered, creating a mosaic.

But beautiful. He was always so beautiful.

"Should I come to bed with you?" I asked. I was so tired I feared I'd never sleep again.

"No. I don't trust myself around you." He dropped an itchy, wool blanket on me. "The couch is good enough."

It was more than I deserved.

* * *

I dreamed of him. I always did. So much so that I could no longer reconcile the fact from the fantasy. In my dream we were young - young for our age in so many ways - in university, back when I thought my interests in academia defined me. I thought I was going to matter, to be important somehow.

I was so foolish.

"Excuse me?" I called over to a man in a green shirt. All employees in the bookstore wore a green, button-down shirt and black, nondescript slacks.

"Me?" he replied. Red hair and clear skin.

I walked over to him. "I'm looking for the Norton Anthology of Modern Poetry. It's on my reading list, but the shelves are empty."

"Ah. You must be a freshman." He laughed.

"How can you be so certain?" I bowed my head, my breath quickening as I stared at his cherry Docs. Eighteen holes!

"First year English? That shit goes fast. You should buy it second hand off campus. Let me see your syllabus."

Feeling foolish, I fished it out of my backpack and passed it to him.

"Shit, really? Oh, man. It's a good thing you found me." He laughed and took my hand, leading me out of the store. "Most of these are published by Penguin. You can get it cheaper at Coles. Don't waste your parents' money."

"Hey!" My face heated. "Don't make assumptions about me!" I'd taken a year off between high school and university, working full time to afford my tuition.

He shrugged. "Why not? You made them about me."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, for whatever reason, you assumed I work here."

"Don't you?" My voice shook.

"Nah. I'm a student. Third year Fine Arts."

"Oh," I said, feeling like an asshole. "Well, you were totally helpful. I'll go over to Coles."

"Do I look poor to you?" he asked by way of non-sequitur, his tone tinged with bitterness. "Dumb? Is it the eyebrow and nose ring?"

"I hadn't noticed." A small, silver stud on his very straight nose caught the light and my attention.

"Right." He made a disgusted-sounding snort. Shit, I hadn't meant to upset him.

"It's just that you're wearing green," I said in a small voice. "And I'm face blind. I have trouble noticing... everything."

"Face blind?" His brow creased. "I don't know what that means."

"I assumed you didn't."

"You know what they say about people who make assumptions, don't you?" he asked, his mouth turning up at the corners.

"That they give excellent head?" I whispered.

He stumbled and fell onto his ass.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N - all mistakes are mine because I'm not forcing this on my betas. Thank you for your words and your eyes. That anyone reads my stories means more than I can express.**

The night yawned on, festering like a gaping wound as I taunted myself with memories —things I hadn't allowed myself to think and feel for the sake of my sanity. I stretched my tired limbs out and sunk deeper into Edward's couch, closing my eyes and beckoning the darkness to come.

Sleep found me again, settling over me in waves.

Instead of black, I saw the ocean, heard the plaintive cry of seagulls, and smelled exhaust from the city. My body felt jittery from too much coffee as I sat by the shore, watching the horizon approach and recede. It felt like surfing vertigo.

My early days at UBC were a little frightening; I'd never lived away from home before, and Vancouver seemed like it belonged to a different country than Toronto... I was grateful to have made a friend so quickly.

"Edward." I grinned as he approached, hugging himself against the chill in the air. When I'd agreed to give him my number I was kind of shocked that he called me so quickly.

"How did you know it was me?"

"Your shoes! I love them. Also I'm expecting you, so I was looking for a guy with red hair and face metal."

"So you don't recognize me at all?" He frowned.

"Don't let it hurt your ego, buddy. I'm sure you're way hot," I teased. "I can recognize you in pieces, if that makes sense. I have an idea of what you look like, but if I don't see you for a while I'll forget."

"Isn't that weird?" He touched my chin and ran his hand along the curve of my jaw. "You're asymmetrical in the most beautiful way."

"And the award for most creepy compliment goes to Edward Cullen." I smacked his hand. "Would it be weird if your blue was my green? I mean, how would you ever know the difference since your perception is completely unique."

"So you're saying beauty is in the eye of the beholder, or is this another segue to discussing oral sex? Because I heard that face blind chicks give awesome head." He pushed the back of my neck so my head angled toward his crotch. I tried not to look.

I failed.

"You're such a guy!" I ducked away from him. "I'm saying perception is subjective. _Your _normal is _my_ weird. Like if I ever actually saw your face in its entirety, I'm sure I'd pass out from lust." I grinned to show him I was kidding, even though I'm not certain I was.

He gave me an odd look, the green of his eyes turning black, pupil eclipsing iris. "Are you hungry?" he asked, keeping me trapped in his gaze.

"Starving."

* * *

I woke up with a start.

"What are you doing?" I asked, rubbing my eyes to focus my vision.

"Watching you sleep. It's creepy, I know. I'm just... I don't know, Bella. I guess I'm trying to figure out why you're here. After all this time."

I opened my mouth to answer him, but he placed his finger over my lip to silence me. "Don't tell me it's to fuck me."

"Okay." I nodded.

"Tell me the truth."

"The truth is..." I swallowed, anxiety roiling in my stomach. "I never stopped loving you."


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N - I realize I've jumped on a drabble bandwagon I swore I'd never be part of. I'm not doing it for the review count but to force myself to write every day. Please don't worry about leaving a review. If you're reading, I'm happy. **

There was this terrible silence that immediately followed my confession, the air thick with anticipation. I couldn't begin to guess what he was thinking, but if the tension in his jaw was any indication...

"Say something," I begged. "I can't stand this...this thing you're doing: staring at me in judgement."

He raised his brow, almost as if amused but still refused to speak.

"You're judging me," I repeated, folding my arms over my chest. "I can tell by the way you're looking at me; I'm not paranoid. You're... measuring me up against some kind of standard and finding me lacking."

"You always thought I was judging you." He said finally, collapsing beside me. I scooted over to make room, but he grabbed my wrist, tugging gently; I wasn't sure what to do. He seemed to push me away and pull me in at the same time. "As if I could ever find you _lacking_. Don't you have any idea?"

"What do you-"

"Kiss me."

My jaw dropped. I couldn't move or speak.

"Please, let's just stop thinking for a bit. I need you close." He sounded like a child - needy and vulnerable.

I crawled into his lap and cupped his face between my hands, my heart pounding. I couldn't hear anything beyond the steady whooshing of blood surging through my body. His lips parted as I approached, his breath catching. I inched my head forward, my eyes never leaving his mouth.

I wanted him. There was nothing in the world I wanted more than to possess him, however I could. It was an idea that used to taunt and obsess me. Even seven years ago he was never really mine.

Our noses touched, and I pressed my lips to his, reveling when he sucked my bottom lip into his mouth and his tongue passed over mine.

My entire body sung.

"Please," I begged.

"What do you want, Bella?" He spoke the words against my mouth, his lips never leaving my face.

"You."

It was exactly the same as it ever was even though everything was different.

* * *

We'd been seeing each other every day without fail for two weeks, but he still hadn't kissed me. Back then I wasn't bold enough to make the first move. Not really.

My experience was limited to my childhood boyfriend... and Jacob and I never progressed beyond second base. Well, maybe a technical third base if you counted giving head (but not receiving it).

"What are you thinking, angel?" Edward asked, plucking my book out of my hand. We were hanging out in Totem Park under the guise of working.

_Oh my god, he called me angel!_

"Hey!" I shook off the compliment and made a show of scowling. "I have a shit load of reading to do. Not all of us our graded on studio work." I giggled, crawling over the blanket that we lay on. "Give me my book back or I swear I'll tickle you."

"You don't know my special tickle spot," he taunted, flipping through the pages of my reading assignment. "Fuck me, I hate Austen."

"Hey, if I had my druthers, I'd be reading Hemmingway. First year courses suck ass. I can't focus on Modernism until third."

"Where exactly are your druthers?" He rolled over on top of me.

"In my panties. Care to coax them out?" I snorted, covering my mouth with my hand. "Forget I said anything."

He groaned, rolling off me. "Damn, girl. My pants are suddenly too tight."

"Edward?" _Kiss me, kiss me, oh god, please kiss me._

"I think we should have a book burning. All Victorian literature must die!" He ignored me.

"Funny."

"Oh, I'm fucking hilarious." He handed the book back to me and contemplated his sketch pad.

"Edward?"

"Yeah?" He didn't look at me.

"Um... nothing."

_Why won't you kiss me?_


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N - written quickly. I apologize for grammar fails I missed.**

There was definitely something Edward was hiding from me, but I couldn't bring myself to ask what; I knew the answer could destroy everything.

So I exercised my right to maintain willful ignorance.

Blissful, blissful hope and stupidity borne out of desire put a skip in my step as I walked across campus toward Edward's studio. The view at UBC was incredible. From nearly every vantage point there was natural beauty: snow-capped mountains, ocean, trees. It was hard sometimes to watch where I was going.

I nearly missed the turn-off to Edward's studio. The map crumpled in my hand, and I shoved it inside my backpack.

The old building he worked in had an industrial feel to it, with high ceilings exposing pipes overhead and unfinished floors underfoot. I didn't tend to notice architectural details like that... I guess I was nervous, fixating on the mundane to avoid eye-contact with the other students.

I had a reputation for being unfriendly. It was difficult for me to explain to my classmates I wasn't ignoring them, I simply didn't recognize them. Big egos tended to be offended by such things.

It occurred to me that if Edward dyed his hair, I'd probably walk right past him. The thought sent a shock of panic through my body.

"Excuse me!" I called out to a guy with blond hair. "I'm looking for Edward Cullen. Do you know him?"

"Sure." Blond-guy tied a white, paint-stained smock around his waist and stared at me with narrowed, suspicious eyes. "Who wants to know?"

"Bella." I turned away from him, scanning the open area for Edward's blatant hair.

"Yeah... I know you," the guy said. "Crooked Smile."

"Excuse me?" I sucked my bottom lip into my mouth. It had a habit of jutting out too far in a perpetual pout thanks to my messed-up jaw.

"You're Crooked Smile." He pointed to the far wall of the workspace where huge canvas hung - a portrait of a girl. My knees knocked as I stared at the charcoal lines of the girl's face.

"That's not me."

"Of course it is! Look at her mouth; the way it quirks to the left just like yours. And the eyes-"

"I can't see it!" I screamed, feeling hot tears begin to well in my eyes. I blinked.

"Eli! Leave her alone." I heard Edward call from behind an easel. Furtively, I wiped the tears with my sleeves before they could spill down my cheek.

"I'm sorry," I muttered, covering my _crooked _mouth with my hand. "I just... I don't see things the same way you do."

"Of course not." Eli laughed. "I'm an artist."

Edward rushed over and placed his hand on my back, ushering me away.

"Dude!" Eli yelled. "You better not let Tanya see that portrait. _Or _the girl who inspired it, for that matter."

Edward's brow crumbled. "Hey, let's get out of here, okay?"

I nodded. "I didn't mean to barge in. I- I just wanted to see some of your work."

"Another day, okay? I'm starving. Let's get some sushi."

"Okay." I reached for his hand, but he pulled away from me like my skin would burn him.

"Sorry. I practically need turpentine to get these pigments off my skin. Trust me, you don't want to get any of this shit on your hand."

Eli watched as we left the room.

"Edward?" I asked, nearly tripping as I tried to keep up with his uncharacteristic speed-walking.

"Yeah?"

"Who's Tanya?"

He ran his (paint-stained) fingers through his hair almost violently, creating tufts. "My first girlfriend."

"Oh." I stopped running to keep up with him.

"Are you coming?" he called when he noticed I was no longer beside him.

I shook my head. "I don't think I'm very hungry."


	8. Chapter 8

8:00 was an ungodly hour for a class, yet I couldn't stop the grin from spreading over my face as Edward approached, balancing two cups on a box of donuts.

"What the ever-loving fuck is up with all this rain?" I grumbled, accepting a bucket-sized cappuccino from Edward. "And I thought I ordered the large?" Foamed milk bubbled up through the sip hole, and I licked the lid.

He laughed, tracing my upper lip with his fingertip, gathering a dollop of foam. When he sucked the cream off his finger, I just about liquefied.

"It's part of Vancouver culture." He shrugged. "You get used to the constant rain."

"The sky is the colour of ennui." I fell back against the bench outside of my lecture hall in a dramatic swoon, feeling very much like Sylvia Plath... only hornier.

"What does that even mean? You first-year English majors are always trying to sound so profound." With careful hands, he peeled the lid back from his drink and licked some of the whipped cream off the top.

"Oh, I was not just called pretentious by a painter."

"There isn't a pretentious bone in my body." He snorted, and I felt heat rise to my face because the word "bone" made me think of his dick. Being this turned on around a guy I couldn't touch was beyond frustrating.

"Why are you blushing?"

"Y-you said bone," I stammered. "And oh my god, please pretend I didn't just say that."

"Riiiight. Because it made you think of my bones? Or a certain bone in particular?" He looked down at his crotch, making a big show of appearing perplexed.

"That's a very manly drink," I teased.

"You're changing the subject, eh? Good for you."

"I am indeed. Do you always order your coffee with whipped cream and sprinkles?"

"I'm secure enough in my masculinity to drink a mochaccino."

"Can I try some?" If he wouldn't kiss me, at least I'd put my mouth where his had just been.

"I dunno. You might have cooties."

"As if! I bet you've shared coffee with the entire student body!"

"There's only one student body I'm interested in." He raised an eyebrow, seeming to stare somewhere around my neck.

Huh. That was kind of direct. "Are you warm for my form, Edward Cullen?" I asked, but it was _my_ body that turned into hot lava.

"Not even. Why do you presume I'm talking about you?" He feigned nonchalance.

"Oh, please. I know you want me." My tone remained light, but inside I was screaming. Desire shot through my chest, bottoming out my stomach. Not lust, but a feeling I could only identify as desperation.

He sat down beside me and rubbed his temples.

"Edward . . ." I trailed off, imploring him to give me some sort of indication that he wanted me. Maybe not with the same voracity I wanted him, but these mixed signals were making me crazy. "What exactly is this _thing_ we're doing?"

"Thing?" His voice cracked on the word.

"Do you like me?"

He pressed his forehead against mine and sucked in a breath, his hands resting on the small of my back. I felt the weight of them there and relished in his warmth, too afraid to speak or even move. As his breathing became ragged, so did my own, my pulse charging.

"Be very still," he whispered, angling his head to the left.

This was it! He was going to kiss me.

But he didn't.

His breath, hot against my face, just about made me come. He drew his nose over my cheek and moved one of his hands off my back only to bring it to my shoulder.

"I don't want to hurt you, Bella," he said, pulling away.

"Then don't."

I reached for him.

"No," he said. "I'm sorry... I can't."


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N really short update. Again, reviews are read and appreciated but totally not necessary :)**

Wordlessly, I stood, my legs shaking like the ground beneath me was quaking. It might as well have been; my foundation had been completely rocked.

Because... the pretty dream was over.

No, that wasn't right. Not just the dream I had of Edward and me together.

God, I couldn't articulate it. I just knew, somehow. Something important was about to slip through my hands, and I could almost watch it happen in slow motion, yet I was impotent against circumstance. There was only one way this scene could play out.

"Let me explain-"

"It's fine." I cut him off. "I understand."

And I did. Totally. I understood that he didn't like me _that_ way, and I was a freak and an idiot for allowing myself to hope...

Or maybe I hadn't misread him. I'd never been the best judge of social cues, but I was pretty damn sure men didn't throw sexual innuendo at women they didn't want to fuck.

"No, Bella, you don't."

"Right. Well, the way I see it, either you're repulsed by me or you have a girlfriend. Tell me I'm wrong."

His Adam's apple bobbed, but he didn't speak.

"Go ahead... tell me the truth. Because one of the two things I said is true. What is it, Cullen? You don't want me?"

"I do," he said. "I want you so fucking much, and I shouldn't." He tore at his hair before dropping his forehead into his hands, bowing as if in supplication.

"You want me but won't kiss me?"

"I want to kiss you."

"But you can't."

I wanted to see his eyes. I wished he'd move his hands from his face.

"You can't," I supplied, "because you have a girlfriend."

He didn't reply. His silence was damning.


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: Sorry for the delay. No copyright infringement is ever intended, and I will NEVER profit from any of my fanfictions. **

_There will be time, there will be time  
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;  
There will be time to murder and create,  
And time for all the works and days of hands  
That lift and drop a question on your plate;_

_-T.S. Eliot, The Lovesong of J Alfred Prufrock_

The girl in the mirror had dark hair and dark eyes. She pursed her lips at me, and I wondered if people considered her to be pretty. I snapped the compact shut and contemplated my hands.

"Bella," Alice whispered. Her voice was a dream, a puff of smoke. I leaned against my arm, my head dropping onto the table.

"Sorry... what did you ask?" I'd taken a part-time job tutoring poetry to non-English majors. My advisor had matched me with Alice Brandon, BFA candidate and all-around flake.

That wasn't fair.

If I was being honest with myself, I'd admit to being jealous. But even back then, it was the little lies, you know? The ones to get through the day.

"Please, Bella, I need to pass this course! What does the poem mean?"

Alice's dark bangs fell over her green, cat eyes, hair flying away from her face as she blew out a frustrated breath. Those flecks of gold in her eyes... so familiar.

"Sorry... my day got off to a rough start." The words on the page swam. I rubbed my eyes, focusing my vision. "So Prufrock is lovely although really despondent-"

"English, Bella!"

"Yes," I agreed with no hint of humour in my tone. "This is for English."

She yodelled out a tortured sound. "No! Speak _plain _English. I don't get this _poetry_ stuff. Just... what does it mean?"

_In the room the women come and go  
Talking of Michelangelo._

"There are people the narrator will never be... pretty, refined people. He is old and plain. He thinks he's unlovable... he's probably right. It's hard to say, as he's never really taken any chances. He doesn't know who he is, but he knows what he's not. He wants to experience life before he dies... he's afraid to live."

_I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.  
I do not think that they will sing to me._

"The mermaids... they're just something he'll never have. He'll never have love."

"Oh my god, that's so sad!" Alice cried, grabbing the book from my hand. "I can't even imagine what it would be like to live without love."

Some people didn't have to try to imagine.

* * *

_I grow old, I grow old. _The lines taunted me as I walked the campus several hours later, the oppressive sky dark. My flip phone felt like an albatross, heavy in my pocket. I was afraid to check my messages.

Afraid of the silence.

"Crooked smile!" a man yelled in my direction. His hair, long and blond, brought my mind back to Edward's work studio - the guy with the white smock. The guy Edward seemed afraid of for some reason.

"Eli, right?"

"Yeah." He gazed over my head. "It's kind of late for you to be out alone. Do you live on campus?"

I nodded.

"Do you mind if I walk with you?" He smiled, teeth white and straight.

"Okay," I replied even though I wanted to be left alone.

"If you don't mind my asking... what's up with you?"

A laugh sputtered out of my mouth, mournfully ineloquent. "That's a loaded question. Like, what's my deal?"

"I suppose, yeah. Why so sad?" He dropped his arm onto my shoulder, and I stopped walking.

"I'm not sad," I lied.

So much weight covering everything. I squirmed.

"Right, Crooked Smile. Beautiful girl like you, wandering around alone at night-"

"I'm not beautiful. I'm not sad." I smacked his arm away from me.

"What are you?" he asked, and I looked at my feet, my limbs feeling heavier still.

_Like a patient etherized upon a table;  
Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,_

"I'm Isabella Swan."

He grinned. "Nice to meet you, Bella. I'm Eleazar Denali."


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N - You guys are awesome for reading. I'll reply to reviews and questions tonight! Just wanted to get this update posted before my lunch hour is over.**

Memories, unwelcome and unbidden by me, occupied the cramped space between us. We needed space.

This terrible anxiety would not begin to subside until we were in his bed. _Everything will be better in bed._

"Give me a minute to process this," Edward said, but his arms tightened around me.

"Okay. But... could we please move the conversation to your bed? This couch is oppressive." I stretched, and my joints cracked. His chest, flush against my back, shook with laughter.

"You still do that."

"Do what?"

"Assign the strangest adjectives to things. I used to think it was part of your condition."

My face scrunched up into a scowl. I hated when he spoke of my "condition." It wasn't a disease; it was a way of life.

"Could we argue semantics some other time? I'm tired and horny and uncomfortable."

"Certainly." His hand settled on my hip, heavy and possessive. I tried to pull away, to drag him off to his bedroom, but he remained anchored. "Not yet."

"Why? It's been seven years, Edward. What are you waiting for?"

"We're not done talking." His voice was sleepy.

"We're not," I agreed, "but couldn't you do me this _one _favour? I never asked you for much."

"Favour?"

"I want to know what it's like."

"Are you still referring to sex?"

I laughed despite myself. "I know what sex is like. I've never had it with you. I _need _to know what it's like."

"I'm certain you'll be disappointed. Sex is sex is sex."

I wanted to scream. "Do you believe that?"

He didn't speak, but I felt him shrug.

"Do you think sex with me will be just another monotonous lay?"

"Of course not." Edward's breath caught and then he gathered my hair to expose my neck - I thought to kiss me - and lowered his lips to my ear. Hot breath and urgent words I couldn't process, sent a shock wave of lust into my stomach, spreading into my groin like water lapping over sand.

Impeding and receding.

"But you... _everything_ with you is different, Bella."

My head spun, oh god, I was dizzy.

"Stop," I whimpered, but it wasn't the right word.

"Stop?"

"Stop teasing me. I love you. I want you. Take me to bed."

* * *

When I was eighteen, the extent of my sexual experience didn't prepare me for the amorous advances of aggressive men. I could tell Eli harboured some sort of interest in me, but I didn't really understand why.

"So how do you know Edward?" I asked casually.

"How do _you_ know Edward?" he replied, taking my hand. I stopped walking.

"We've been seeing each other for a few weeks... sort of."

Eli's face contorted - even in the dark, I could make out the angry, red flush of his skin.


	12. Chapter 12

Eli insisted on walking me all the way home - a kindness that was not altogether unwelcome, even if he did freak me out just a bit.

Hugging myself as we walked the dimly-lit path across campus, I rubbed my hands furiously over my arms to create warmth. A bitter chill whipped across my face, biting into my skin.

"Jesus fuck!" I cursed and wiped at my nose.

"It's not usually this cold in October. Did you notice the geese left early?" He pulled a handkerchief out of the front pocket of his jeans and offered it to me. The gesture melted my resolve not to like him just a bit.

"That's nice... not about the geese migrating, I mean. It's nice that you carry _these_ things. I didn't think guys did that sort of thing anymore." I wasn't sure if he could even hear me over the chattering of my teeth.

Without a word, he draped his jacket over my shoulders.

"You'll freeze," I protested.

"I'm fine."

Fine.

He didn't look fine. His face - classically attractive as far as I could tell - seemed grotesque, twisted into an angry expression.

"So... you're kind of freaking me out. What's your deal?"

He stopped walking and shoved his hands into his pockets.

"Edward!" he spat. "Son of a whore."

I bit my lower lip to stifle a giggle. "Do you have something against his mother?" My reaction likely wasn't the one he was expecting. I just found the curse so off-colour.

"He's dating you. Bella... fuck, I shouldn't be the one to tell you about this. Just do me a favour and ask him about Tanya."

"His ex-girlfriend?"

His jaw tightened. If it was glass it would have shattered.

I decided to change the subject. "How do _you_ know Tanya?"

"She's my sister."

"Oh," I replied quietly. I wasn't expecting that. Jilted lover, maybe, but sister?

"Right... so, yeah... I don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure this out. Tanya_ isn't_ his ex. They're still together, right?"

Eli took my hand - I let him because I was fucking freezing - and led me down the path to my dorm.

"Not my place to say," he replied in a stoic voice, and I snorted.

"I get it." I peeled the jacket off my back and bundled it under my arm, reluctant to lose the warmth. "Thanks for..."

_The random weirdness?_

_Ruining my fantasy?_

_Making sure I wasn't raped on my walk home?_

"The jacket. Thanks for the jacket. You're very... kind."

And before he could reply, I pressed my lips to his. It was brief and uncomfortable, but he groaned out a lustful sound nonetheless, his hand landing on my hip.

Green eyes and red hair and chocolate and happiness. These things were not mine, but the eyes, oh the eyes. I could see them staring at me. Blazing in anger.

"Good night," I managed, pulling away.

"Yeah," Edward said, his silhouette illuminating under the neon lamp by the door to my building. "Good night, Eli." With the heel of his hand he shoved him square in the chest.


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N - sorry for the delay, and thank you for reading. Big love to lisamichelle for sending me PM messages. She's one of the sweetest people in the fandom. If you have any questions about face blindness, feel free to ask! I don't mind.**

"What's your problem?" Eli yelled, stumbling back a couple steps. My lips were still tingling from his kiss; I hadn't expected to like it very much, and even as I watched Edward rage - all fire and blazing temper - I felt dazed.

"What the fuck?" I barely squeaked, lowering my eyes to my feet. _This isn't happening._

"Calm down, Ed."

"Don't tell me to calm the fuck down. You calm down!"

I heard Eli sigh, but my eyes remained glued to my feet in cowardice, the ground receding as cold panic gripped my nervous system.

"I am calm," Eli explained. "At least, I was until you charged me like a raging douchebag."

"You shouldn't be kissing her."

"She kissed me."

I lifted my head and muttered out an apology. "I'm not usually that forward." And I wasn't. Except where Edward was concerned.

Red hair in my periphery distracted me. Closing my eyes, I concentrated on my breathing, filling my lungs, releasing, counting.

Eli laughed. "Oh, it's cool. I know the effect I have on women."

"Ugh!" Bile literally flooded my throat. I doubted either man would be very interested in kissing me if I puked on my shoes. Wait, Edward didn't give a fuck - if he had, he would've kissed me when I was practically begging for it. So why was he lurking in the bushes and acting psychotic?

"Edward..." I stammered over his name, not sure how to phrase my question. "I mean, what the fuck? You ignore me for two days and then show up in my bushes like a deranged lunatic..."

"I'm not a lunatic."

"Famous last words from every deranged lunatic in the history of lunacy." Eli continued to laugh like an idiot.

"Oh my god, get lost! Both of you."

Edward stared at his hand, his eyes glazing over. "If that's what you want, Bella."

"No... I mean, it's not what I want, but... you obviously shouldn't be here. Why _are_ you here?"

He held my gaze in rapt confusion. "I... We need to talk."

I snorted and reached for Eli's hand in an act of desperate stupidity. I had so few weapons in my arsenal, and jealousy burned in my gut. Goose and gander and all that; I wanted him to burn, too.

"Don't touch her!" Edward yelled.

"Fuck you, man!" He stepped forward as if to punch Edward, but only flexed his fist before dropping his arm. It swung at his side, a pendulum as time seemed to stop.

The three of us stood, unmoving in the world's strangest Mexican standoff.

"Tell me the truth, Edward, about Tanya. Tell me now, or I'm gonna kiss Eli again." I turned, looking directly into Eli's dark eyes - an odd, murky blue. "You don't have a problem with that, do you?"

"I suppose not. Could we use tongue this time?"

"Yes," I said, my tone flat. "Edward?"

"Why are you doing this?" he asked with a slight whine.

"What, kissing Eli? I don't know... a Denali for a Denali, I guess." I shrugged.

"I'm not with Tanya in the way that you think. We broke up... the last time I visited we both decided the distance was too much."

My jaw dropped. "Wait, so you guys broke up? Why didn't you just say that in the first place?"

"They didn't break up!" Eli scoffed. "He's lying. Kiss me, Bella. Kiss me! Edward must be punished for his dirty lies."

I lowered my head into my palms. "I suppose the kissing thing wasn't one of my brightest ideas."


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N - Unbeta'd! I should be back to writing this story a few times a week. The next several chapters are ready to go :) All reviews are love, but no worries either way. **

"Tell me about Tanya," I said after Eli finally left. Edward placed a tentative hand on my back, seemingly to usher me over to my cheap futon. The blanket covering my makeshift bed was ratty with frayed edges and moth holes, but still, it was home. I'd shipped it across the country when I moved to Vancouver because no person or thing, for that matter, had the ability to comfort me like my blankie. As if he understood, Edward draped the old childhood relic over my shoulders, sighing.

"I'll tell you everything."

His skin, so sweet and smooth against my own... it made me dizzy. It was terrifying, knowing that I was falling in love with someone I probably shouldn't.

* * *

"You lied," I said, unable to keep the tremble out of my voice. Anger was only _one_ of the emotions that bubbled close to the surface. Beyond everything, I was afraid - afraid I'd fuck up my one chance to get answers.

No... that wasn't right, either.

Edward let out a frustrated groan, rubbing his hands through his glorious kaleidoscope hair. God, I could lose myself in his colours - the golds and brasses of his head, the greens and yellows of his eyes, the whites and pinks of his face - ever-changing like light bent through prism.

"When did I lie?" So tender were his hands as they ran through my hair. His eyes sought mine out, tired and hopeful.

_Oh, those pearls that were his eyes_. I remembered. So very sad now.

"About Tanya that night. When you promised to tell me."

He shook his head. "I didn't, Bella. I shared with you my truth - my only truth. How could that be a lie?"

"It's a lie because you didn't bother to find out the whole story. You made promises to me that night which you had no business making."

"I couldn't have known!"

"You _could_ have known. You just didn't want to. Eli told me later that night that Tanya needed to speak to you - that she had information that would change everything. But you wouldn't take her calls!"

"Because I was falling in love with you!" he yelled. "As far as I was concerned, Tanya and I were over."

"If that was true we'd still be together now."

"Please." His voice cracked. "I was so crazy about you I couldn't see straight. When I told you about Tanya, I truly believed it was over."

"It should have been over." I bit my lip; I wouldn't let him see me cry, even as the darkness crept into my head, filling my lungs with water. Being with Edward felt like drowning, but without the sweet reprieve of death. Only the fear and the pain.

"It should have," he agreed. "Please don't cry."

"I'm not!" I snapped, willing the tremble out of my voice. "Are you very sad, Edward?"

He laughed, a bitter sound. "Why would you even ask me that? Just look at me, Bells, look at my face. And don't give me that shit about you being face blind, because the truth is... you're the only woman who ever really saw me." His eyes glistened, slicing through my heart as a tear rolled down his cheek.

I'd never seen him cry before.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, shame sitting like a brick in my stomach.

"What're you sorry for, exactly?" he countered, rubbing the water from his eyes with his fists.

"For your divorce. For losing the woman you love."

"Bella," he said, leaning down until we were at eye level. He held my face in his hands, fresh tears dripping off his cheek. "I lost the only woman I ever loved seven years ago."


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N - See? More already! Also, I'm doing my best to reply to all reviews and messages. Unbeta'd. **

I couldn't pull the right amount of air into my lungs. Warring emotions cast a heavy weight over my chest. God, just trying to breath was pure agony.

"Please say something," Edward said, his eyes burning green fire, refusing to falter from holding my gaze. And I couldn't look away, not when I'd spent the last seven years being denied of the view.

"You... what exactly did you say?" Tears rolled down my cheek before I could stop them. "You can't mean that. I know what happened. I was _there_. You chose _Tanya_."

His jaw became tight. "Despite what I'm sure you presume about me, I never wanted you to leave." Anger in his voice, yet his arms snaked around me. And, oh, I wanted to be consumed.

"You gave me no choice."

"I never chased you away, Bella. If you would have given me half a fucking chance, I would have-"

"What? Married both of us? Aw, how nice! We could've been sister-wives." I smacked his chin, but he wouldn't stop hugging me so I folded myself against him, wanting to just disappear. "Don't put this on me. If you'd been honest from the beginning - given me some warning, maybe I wouldn't have been so destroyed when the truth came out." Even still, I pulled him closer, closer, closer, never close enough.

"You never gave me a chance to explain things."

"It seemed pretty cut and dry. You fucked her when we were together." I spoke in a steady, calm voice despite the memories that assaulted me like swarming bats, darkness descending.

"Bella-"

"Answer me honestly. At least give me that." I looked up, focusing on his square, stubble-edged chin. The fire of his hair was now tinged with ash. "Were you and her really broken-up when we started seeing each other?

"We were headed that way. And I swear, I broke things off when I started falling for you."

"That night after Eli kissed me?"

"We were as good as over." He kissed my head - bastard - but I couldn't summon the courage to pull away.

"Define 'as good as' please, because I've no fucking clue what that means."

"My heart was with you."

"Semantics!" I screamed. "Give me the fucking truth! Were you or were you not Tanya's boyfriend."

He lowered his head. "My answer is no, but that wouldn't be the truth you're looking for." His arms fell to his sides, and I shuddered, not wholly from the cool air in the room. "My heart was no longer with Tanya... the problem was, I hadn't actually told_ her_ yet."

"Fucking liar!" I yelled, winding my arm back to hit him again, but he caught my sad little fist easily.

"I'm so sorry, angel. You have no clue."

"Asshole," I whimpered, incensed with myself because, even still, I couldn't resist him. Not when he lowered his face into my hair and kissed me so, so softly.

"I know. But I was so scared you'd leave me for that idiot. Fuck, Bella... when you kissed Eli I wanted to kill him. And Tanya and I hardly spoke to each other anymore. I made the decision to end things with her, to fucking lie, to do anything to keep you."

"How did that work out for you exactly?"

He smirked, despite the tears that lingered on his face and said, "Not so well."


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N: Unbeta'd. And you're all sexy.**

I shook my head, wishing I could shed the sadness - my iron albatross that never ceased its hold, even in this moment of triumph. Sure, I had the truth, but there was no glory in it.

Hadn't I known it all along?

"Bella, I love you," Edward reminded me. "I never stopped.

"Fuck... I thought I knew what I wanted. I mean, I come knocking down your door all cavelier and shit." A bitter laugh chirped from my lips, unbidden by me. "I'd been cocksure, but now it seems I'm only half-cocked."

"Semantics." He smiled at my lame attempt at humour.

"Ah, but therein lies the rub."

Because Edward and I could wield language like a weapon.

xxxx

"Tell me the truth!" _I don't want to know, I don't want to know! _I pulled my blanket tighter around my body, nestling against the bank of pillows at the top of my futon.

"Don't cover your face," Edward pleaded, all black black clothes and cherry docs, his pale skin stark against the backdrop of his fiery hair. "I love your face." He sighed and knelt at the foot of my bed. "What did Eli tell you?"

I sneezed, shivering. "He said I should ask about Tanya."

He nodded, running his fingers over my jaw. Inappropriately so, I almost giggled at the light caress.

"We're not together the way he implied, Bella." Still kneeling, his eyes never left my face. I'd always been very good at detecting lies, and either Edward was well-practised in the art of deception or he was a complete sociopath.

Because for whatever reason, I couldn't fathom he was telling me the truth.

"You're broken up?" I asked.

"We're not together," he countered.

I shook my head, pushing him away; beauty or no, he wasn't mine to take. But still, he clung to my thigh, the tendons shuddering beneath his skin as his graceful hands grappled to hold on. Like maybe I'd float away. Sometimes it was so hard not to feel like a dust cloud - so dirty and insubstantial.

"Why is Eli so adamant in having me believe otherwise?"

Edward shrugged, tension seeming to coil in his back from the movement. "The answer is probably twofold. I mean, he cares about his sister, and Tanya and I didn't exactly part on the best of terms. Also... I think he obviously has a thing for you." He chuckled, but the sound was canned. "I'm pretty sure your kissing him has only encouraged his crush or whatever."

"Okay, stop for a second. Because while I really want to believe you, there's some things that don't jive with your story."

"Like what?" His eyes narrowed.

"Like why you wouldn't kiss me the other day."

"Oh!" He sighed, relieved. "It wasn't really appropriate, Bella. I mean, Tanya and I'd been together for years, and _we've _only just met. I'm not really the kind of guy that jumps into relationships."

"Okay. I mean, I guess that makes sense... But what's changed? Other than your mind."

He smiled, his full lips stretching to reveal white teeth. He had freckles dotting his chin so lightly I somehow managed not to notice them until now. "Eli's pursuit turned me all caveman," he admitted. "Plus it occurred to me I'm acting like an asshole. I think part of me assumed you'd just wait around until I was ready."

I probably would have, but I didn't need to feed his ego. People like Edward knew how perfect they were.

"Wait, I'm still really confused. I feel like, I don't know... bamboozled? Are you bamboozling me?"

He clapped his hands. "I love that word!"

"Me too. So... are you?"

"No, Bella. Never." His voice was solemn as he wrapped his arms around my waist, lowering his head into my lap.

Warmth spread in my thighs where his face lay, endorphins flooding my body. I almost missed him adding, "Not intentionally."

**A/N - yes I suck. Sorry for the delay in updating. Real life gets in the way of all the words. The words are there, I just don't have the time I need to write them. **

**Remember when you were young? Or maybe you _are _young. When I was in my late teens and early twenties, my husband and I would fight in circles. Words were weapons, but they also were love, seduction, and friendship. Sometimes we still get lost in language. Sometimes we're still passionate and silly and cruel with our words. **

**I love you all, random strangers who read this! Hit me up on Twitter to chat. I'm BellaFlan.**


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N - soooo not beta'd and barely self-edited. Today's also my birthday :)**

Edward was lying, but I'd made a decision that night not to care. It was like preparing to jump from a plane, terror-stricken and paralyzed, gazing through the open door into the abyss of the unknown but making the decision to jump despite the fear. Because, oh god, the fall would be so exhilarating.

His kiss was the burning wind in my face, the plummet of my belly. His mouth, soft and full, moved against mine in unfamiliar ways, and I clung to him, my eyes stinging with tears.

And yeah, maybe I was a bit foolish. Or a lot. But I'd never wanted anyone like I did Edward. This all-consuming, obsessive and crazy desire flooded my system with emotions I didn't think I'd ever encountered before.

"Be my girl, Bella," he begged against my throat.

"Okay," I said; I had no other choice, having been swept up in this hurricane.

xxxxx

"I think I've lost my buzz." I wasn't sure what else to say.

Edward nodded. "That's probably for the best. Would you like some coffee?"

"But it's the middle of the night."

"I don't think either of us is going to get much sleep." He rubbed his hands through his hair, leaving tufts like devil horns.

"I suppose." I followed him into his small kitchen, my bare feet cold against the tile. He flicked the switch on the wall, and the overhead lights buzzed, the fridge joining in. Without darkness I felt naked, standing amidst the sudden cacophony of noise. It pierced through the quiet of this very strange night.

And then a peculiar thought occurred to me: the night would never end. Even stranger was that I didn't want it to.

"Still take three sugars? Lots of cream?"

I nodded, running my hand over the granite countertop. "This doesn't seem like your taste?"

"What, the kitchen?"

"Yeah... I imagined you living in more of an industrial space, not something out of Better Homes and Gardens. The kitchen feels like it's trying too hard."

He laughed. "Oh, it is. This kitchen really wants to impress you."

"Did you live here with Tanya?" I glared.

"Yeah. She didn't want it in the divorce settlement. Not that I really cared. It's just a place to lay my head and take my shoes off, you know?"

"Yes, I do. And home shouldn't feel that way."

He nodded, rubbing the scruff that darkened his chin and jaw. "It's all masturbation, really. Do you ever watch your perfect neighbours and wonder if their lives are as fucked up as yours? I mean, they have to be, right?"

He was off on a tangent, but I knew what he meant. "Everyone else seems to have their shit together. It has to be an act. If not, I should probably heave myself off a cliff. Vancouver still has a lot of great cliffs, right?"

"You jump, I jump."

I chewed on my finger - a nervous habit - and stared at Edward's tired face in silence for several minutes, my throat tight around words I was afraid to say.

"So..."

"So..."

"Um," I swallowed the lump in my throat. "Are we gonna address the elephant in the room, like ever?"

"Which one would that be, Bella. I believe there's a herd."

My teeth bit into my cuticle so hard it tore, and he pried my hand away from my mouth.

"The baby," I whispered. "What happened to the baby?"


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N - tiny update. More this weekend.**

There were no telltale photos lining the walls. People tended to display photos of their children, didn't they? Not that I'd know about such things. Certainly it wasn't a topic Jacob and I ever broached. My stomach roiled at the thought of it - being a mother.

But Edward didn't answer the question. His eyes transformed into glass, all reflection. Pain, both of ours, shone back at me.

"She didn't..." He trailed off into a sob, cradling his face in his hands.

"Hey, it's okay," I told him; I didn't know why. So much hinged on his reply, but I couldn't deal with watching him fall apart. Tonight wasn't about vengeance. Maybe in some of my darker moments I'd craved it, but not now. Not in the face of his pain. I stood and walked behind him, wrapping my arms around his shoulders. He hunched forward, trembling.

"Late pregnancy loss," he whispered.

"No children at all?"

He shook his head. "She couldn't...after that. I mean, physically she could. But the fear...she never got over the loss."

"Oh, Edward. I'm so sorry." It was a lame response, but it was the best I had.

His hand clasped mine, his back flush against my chest. "Just...can I hold you for a bit."

"Sure," I said. I had nowhere else to go.


	19. Chapter 19

**A/N - This is a flashback sequence. I know it gets confusing when I update in tiny snippets. Sorry. I love you all, random strangers!**

If time was liquid, it could freeze and thaw along with the seasons. In the cold, it barely moved. I giggled at that absurd thought while wrapping my arms around myself to keep warm.

It was ten in the morning, and the clouds in the overcast sky were thick and unmoving as I waited for Edward outside of his Thursday still life workshop. My mind lingered on our kiss the other night, and I felt my face grow warm in contrast with the crisp air. As if on cue, Edward exited the studio, his hair like fire against the dull grey morning. I ran to greet him, throwing myself into his waiting arms. He chuckled in reply at my enthusiasm.

"How did you know it was me, face blind girl?"

I snorted. "I demand a better nickname!"

"Did I hurt your feelings, beautiful?"

I grinned. "Much better. Kiss me, cocky."

"Kiss your cock? You don't have one...I, on the other hand..." He raised his brows, and my face grew hotter.

"That's not what I said!"

"You can't say kiss and cock in the same sentence. I'm sporting a semi now."

Oh, fuck. I looked down at his crotch; I couldn't help it.

"Whatcha doin', Bella?"

"I'm _not_ looking at your crotch," I said, staring at his crotch.

He cupped my chin in his hand, angling my head to meet his gaze. "May I kiss you?"

"Yes, please," I squeaked and closed my eyes. His breath was so warm, tickling my lips before I felt his mouth press against mine, gentle, gentle, but demanding. I gasped, parting my lips, which he seemed to take as an invitation. The tip of his tongue touched mine, and my knees buckled. I swore, I would have fallen over if his arms weren't around me. As it was, I collapsed into the kiss, my breasts flattening against his chest.

"You're so warm," he murmured against my mouth.

"You're hot," I replied, and he laughed, kissing the corner of my mouth and then my chin.

"Do you have class?" I asked.

"Not much."

I smacked his arm, not missing the fact that he flexed his bicep when I touched it.

"I mean...do you have somewhere you need to be?"

"Yeah," he whispered against my neck. "Inside your mouth."


	20. Chapter 20

**A/N You should know I just wrote this drunk. I'm posting it anyway. Sorry for grammar fails. **

My jacket was soaked by the time we reached my dorm, the grey morning transforming into a sudden downpour. I cursed, peeling the wet layers off my body until I was stripped down to my t-shirt.

"Thank fuck for Vancouver weather!" Edward laughed, and I glared at him.

"You have a perverse love of rain? You're not_ that_ guy are you?"

"Not at all. I have a perverted perversion for girls in wet t-shirts." As if to illustrate his point, my nipples took this opportunity to make their presence known, poking against the thin material of my bra and becoming visible points. "Hello, ladies." Edward raised an eyebrow.

"What're you doing, Edward?"

"Why, I'm checking out your rack, Bella."

I giggled, crossing my arms over my chest.

"No fair!"

I decided to change the subject. "Are you cold?"

He shrugged. "A little. I mean, I couldn't cut glass like some people in the room..."

"Oh my god! I meant that I could drop your shirt in the dryer for a few minutes. There's a few in the basement here, and they're usually free in the middle of the day."

"Thanks. Yeah, that'd be good." He lifted his shirt over his head, and my mind fizzled into fried mush at the sight of his chest - defined and smooth. Oh, god, I wanted to lick his skin.

"Bella?"

"Shhhh," I whispered. "I'm ogling."

He laughed, flexing his pecs. "Wanna ogle me with your mouth?" he started to ask, but I was already a step ahead of him. I brought my lips to the hollow beneath his chest, giving him a tentative lick. He exhaled a quick breath in response, cupping the back of my head in his hands as if to hold me closer to him. I was already as close to him as I could get.

"I don't know what I'm doing," I confessed. "I just...want."

"What do you want, beautiful?"

"I'm not sure. Can I keep kissing you while I decide?"

I don't wait for an answer. My tongue slid down his naked torso, bold, so much bolder than I knew I could be, but the need that burned deep in my belly, spreading warmth between my legs, could not be denied.

"Fuck," he drawled out as I continued to explore his body with my mouth. He held my head to his stomach as I kissed a path down the light sprinkling of hair below his navel.

"Shit... fuck, Bella. I want you. Can I have you?"

That gave me pause. "Um..."

"You're so fucking hot right now. You have no idea."

"Edward," I said, extracting my face away from his skin. "There's something you should probably know."

"You can tell me anything," he said, panting.

"Um... there's a chance I'm still a virgin."

"A chance?"

I shook my head. "A certainty."

For whatever reason I thought he'd run away screaming, but he didn't. He simply laughed and hunched down to kiss my nose.


	21. Chapter 21

**A/N Hi *waves* **

_No Children after all!_ It was weird, the monsters a little time and imagination created. All of these years I pictured a perfect, happy family: Edward, Tanya, and a strawberry blonde little girl or sometimes, if my imagination was particularly cruel, a look-alike son.

Edward honked out a sob, his tears soaking my shirt. God, he was just as miserable as me...no kids and a loveless marriage. I almost smiled.

"It's okay," I whispered, nearly trembling at his proximity. It felt like the nervous butterflies in my stomach had risen out of my chest and were now crawling all over my skin...only the sensation was actually pleasant even if the visual of being tickled by bug legs was disgusting. "Edward?"

His eyes were nearly as red as his hair when he finally lifted his head from my shoulder. I pushed his hair out of his eyes, biting my lip to keep from kissing him. His mouth with its pouting lower lip taunted me.

"I should be embarrassed." He laughed, an awkward chuckle, and wiped away a stray tear from his cheek.

"Don't be embarrassed. I mean, I pretty much flew across the country and threw myself at you only to be rejected so..."

"I never rejected you." His hand squeezed mine, pulling me with him as he sat down. I wondered if he wanted me in his lap. "I demanded an explanation, but I never rejected you. How could I?"

"Is that a rhetorical question?"

"Yes. I can't reject you, Bella."

"Then why won't you give me what I want?" I frowned, feeling particularly cruel in this moment.

"I will. Anything. Just...tell me first why you left without giving me a chance to explain?"

I shook my head, allowing him to draw me into his lap. "I couldn't take it. I knew you what you were gonna say. Just...it hurt too much, Edward."

"How do you think I felt? You left."

"Tanya was pregnant. You had responsibilities..."

His jaw flexed, his eyes flashing. "I know that! And I would have take care of..._things_. But you didn't even give me a chance to explain-"

"What could you possibly have explained? That you fucked her because I wouldn't put out? That you needed to man up and marry her? Do you really think I wanted to hear all that?" I struggled in his arms, but he held me tighter.

"Stop."

"Let go of me," I said, my voice calm despite the tempest brewing in my gut.

"There was never any choice, Bella. If you'd stayed, given me a chance, you'd have found that out."

I sobbed, my eyes burning.

"Please, Bella, look at me?"

"Why wasn't I good enough?"

"You were. You are. I'm a shit, but I never meant to hurt you."

"Sometimes I want _you_ to hurt," I admitted, rubbing my eyes. "I'd fantasize about it - your suffering."

Finally, he let me go, his arms falling to his sides, yet I sat firmly rooted to his lap. "Well, love, I hope you find some comfort in the knowledge of my misery, because I'm fucking wrecked. Does that make you feel better?"

"A little." My lips contorted into a half-grin, half-grimace. In truth, I was stifling laughter.

Edward's eyes widened with apparent surprise and his mouth quivered. I couldn't decipher his expression.

"You're _a little_ evil aren't you?" he said, his emotions completely unreadable. Usually his mouth and jaw held tension when he was irritated or upset, but this poker face thing he had going on was infuriating.

"A bit," I agreed.

He shook his head. "Were you always this conflicted?"

"I'm an enigma wrapped in a conundrum wrapped in a puzzle...kind of like that turkey/duck/chicken thing...uh, turd-something."

"Turducken!" he shouted, his entire body shaking with laughter. "I'm trying to have a serious conversation with you here!"

"I know. Just...I think you needed a little comic relief. We're starting to sound like a pair of emo-douchebags."


End file.
